learning to trust
spontaneous musings from a process in motion
I can feel the Love of God in this process when I drop my fear around it.
Since I started to spend more intentional time communing and conversing with God, I’ve come to recognize so many things that I still don’t have words for. Even those that I do find don’t give full flavour to what it is I am truly experiencing (but you know what does? DANCING! and music that moves my Soul).
If I could reduce all of my desires into one, it would be to live fully open to Life. This desire feels the most true, the most eternal, the most open… and it is a desire that compels me to evolve. This yearning to live so radically open to Life – in unconditional trust and surrender to Life- inspires me to face all of the fears I have accumulated and attached myself to and risk myself, instead, for a dance of pure freedom between and within myself and Life.
I have walked a beautiful journey because of this desire and there are moments when I remember that I still am walking this journey of beauty. It’s a journey I cannot separate myself from because it is a journey rooted in the core of my being that cords me to Life intelligence. It is a journey inscribed in the Soul of me – one in which my own name constantly reminds me of.
I’ve learned recently that I was trying to control the outcome and the process of how I learn to live truly open to Life and Life intelligence. And all of this came from (surprise, surprise) fear.
One of the ways that Life has really supported this pure intention to live open to it is by granting me the courage and inspiration to look at and discern my fears (a very uncomfortable and freeing process) and explore how they hijack my decision-making (how we express freedom). All of these fears are grounded in conditioning – past experiences building beliefs and expectations that draw me away from the will and reality of God/Life/Mystery in the here and now.
It’s one thing to know that there is a perfect order and intelligence to Life and it’s a totally different thing to step into the practice of knowing and feeling yourself deeply connected to that intelligence. It is only when we separate ourselves from this knowing that we experience disconnect – a disconnect where fear thrives and blinds us from what is true.
I’ve been working a lot on my attachments these past two years. It was fairly easy for me to let go of material things, but my greatest challenge/point of growth has come from letting go of my attachment to outcomes. Especially when it comes to the dreams that feel so potent in my heart.
I know I cannot take any of my desires with me beyond this life – not even those that feel so true and rooted in the Soul. The bio-constructed home. The holistic healing centre. None of it. All I can take with me is my evolution. Knowing this and my sincere effort to practice this in my thoughts, beliefs and actions has made my spiritual evolution my number 1 priority in Life. And the fruits I’ve received (all unknown to me at some point in the journey) continue to motivate me to move forward.
Life intelligence is supporting me in strengthening my trust. That’s why I’ve become excruciatingly aware of the limitations of the fears I’ve carried with me. It’s the process, indeed…
I can never open to this Life experience if I am persistently afraid and project fears onto the present moment so I stay closed off (which a fear-filled ego perceives as protection). And I have felt the immense Love of God – the very foundation of all of Life – and even the immense love that the Earth Mother has for all of Her children… and there was never a single thought of fear in those moments. These moments also keep me motivated. It wasn’t an achievement or a thing I strove for - it was an experience of what is available to all when we are open enough to receive it.
I really don’t know what I am trying to express or if it even makes sense. All I know is that I need to express it. I need to express what I am going through because it is filled with the promise of Life and it feels like one of the most important experiences I could have – this intimate conversation between me and the Beloved… the yearning to learn how to surrender… to remember the safety I am housed in… to walk fully into trust and enjoy the wonders of a Life experience created from a sincere desire to be open and let Life move through me…..
to open up to the River and acknowledge that we are already merged.
I’m going to go eat now.